A few day ago I had a major brain overload and I sat down and wrote it all so I could share my thoughts and frustrations, however due to computer problems I lost it all even though I worked on it and finished it, all my ramblings, finally became a cohesive thought, quite suddenly all of it made perfect since. I do believe I finally managed to understand myself better and see different points of view in my own work, so maybe it was a good thing that I lost all that i wrote so I could start fresh without the reminder.
So, now that I have had this euphony, I see more than ever that while family is important and we should NEVER allow the little things to pile up and destroy everything, there are in rare cases when you MUST not allow some behaviors to manifest into something unmanageable, its too bad that it has to come down when you have to say enough is enough and remove those from your life. It is never easy to make those choices, but I suppose if their behavior is out of control then you need to do whats best for you.
While I don't support isolating yourself and removing yourself from whatever salvageable relationship there is, I now understand that in some cases it is vital to your well being to sever all ties to those who are only there to destroy you if only for their own amusement. I definitely think that the decisions that you make affect everyone. Being one recipient if a crazy persons rants because they want to believe that they are not the cause for another's decision, is a strange thing to cope with. It messes with the psychic, it creates a dumbfounded numbness, almost like its not real and yet its devastatingly real. It begs the question, how did it get to this point, was there in the course of all of this that someone could have stopped this? An answer to this I may never have, but at least it can be cleared from my conscience. I can clearly say that whatever this turns into it was not and is not my fault.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Summer Headache
So here I sit in the trailer park, despite it being a sunny day it is hot. I can for the most part handle the heat but today it had to add a strong level of mugginess. It is one of those days that you would be desperately searching for the nearest body of water and not want to get out. I know that in the park there is a pool however it always is full, there is a lake within 5 minutes of here I just haven't gotten to it yet. As I sit here I wish I were there, but I just can't seem to bring myself to climb into "Betsy" to drive the short distance to the lake. And how I am sure that Boo Bear would love the refreshing coolness of the water. I know that the refreshing water would be wonderful. I love water if I could I would never leave I always say and yet here I am so close and yet just won't go. What's wrong with this picture? Why do I not want to go? Is it that even though I would have Boo Bear and Lestat with me I would be alone, or perhaps is it that I fear there is going to be a crowd and I am an out of town er and I just don't feel comfortable?
What ever the reason I haven't got the nerve to leave my little space of comfort.
maybe instead I will wait until it a little cooler and take my bike for a spin around the block and take Bear with me, she has quickly taken to the bike and run along side, no barking either which I an grateful for. I thought for sure that barking would have been something that I would have to deal with, especially since it was an issue at home when I was attempting to get her accustomed to the bike. She is such a smart girl, she not only knows how herd, something I haven't taught her, but she is an awesome swimmer and now she is a good bike companion. I don't know why this should be at all surprising to me after all if there is a treadmill she is on it, I suppose sitting on grandma's stationary bike that just so happens to be sitting next to the treadmill had a little influence on how she would react once put to the real thing.
So we will have our first days off in a few days and maybe I can get Monte to go to the lake with me and the "kids". We shall see, although I should probably drive there just to make sure I know where to go and where it is legal to have you dogs.
What ever the reason I haven't got the nerve to leave my little space of comfort.
maybe instead I will wait until it a little cooler and take my bike for a spin around the block and take Bear with me, she has quickly taken to the bike and run along side, no barking either which I an grateful for. I thought for sure that barking would have been something that I would have to deal with, especially since it was an issue at home when I was attempting to get her accustomed to the bike. She is such a smart girl, she not only knows how herd, something I haven't taught her, but she is an awesome swimmer and now she is a good bike companion. I don't know why this should be at all surprising to me after all if there is a treadmill she is on it, I suppose sitting on grandma's stationary bike that just so happens to be sitting next to the treadmill had a little influence on how she would react once put to the real thing.
So we will have our first days off in a few days and maybe I can get Monte to go to the lake with me and the "kids". We shall see, although I should probably drive there just to make sure I know where to go and where it is legal to have you dogs.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Reflection
Many weeks ago as we traveled down south to our home away from the green and the rain, that is again. now that the suburban was at least running maybe not in tippy top shape but at least on the road instead of growing moss and becoming a needle catcher I was telling myself that I needed to write this all down so I can pass along yet another adventure south, but as the days quickly passed I had yet to jot anything down.
As I am now about to plan yet another road trip although not quite as long and definitely none of the extreme passes we go through on the way down from Washington, I begin to reflect on the next new adventure we are about to take. I am a bit more optimistic than the first trip but still nervous that there is a great many miles between those cities and towns that must be seen in the rear view mirror before we reach our final destination.
The days are fast approaching when the move must happen and the only thing that is for sure is that travel is a must and the end result is in Utah. I have up until now never had to actually plan where it is that we are headed, we always new that there was never an issue, but with the impending holiday it has seriously put plans in the shoots and ladders category. Just when I think I am about to make progress down the shoot I go. One thing is for sure at some point there will only be ladders in the road.
As I am now about to plan yet another road trip although not quite as long and definitely none of the extreme passes we go through on the way down from Washington, I begin to reflect on the next new adventure we are about to take. I am a bit more optimistic than the first trip but still nervous that there is a great many miles between those cities and towns that must be seen in the rear view mirror before we reach our final destination.
The days are fast approaching when the move must happen and the only thing that is for sure is that travel is a must and the end result is in Utah. I have up until now never had to actually plan where it is that we are headed, we always new that there was never an issue, but with the impending holiday it has seriously put plans in the shoots and ladders category. Just when I think I am about to make progress down the shoot I go. One thing is for sure at some point there will only be ladders in the road.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Can your pets be your kids? I wonder.....
Is it strange to think of your pets as kids?
Some people, ok most people would agree that anyone who says their dogs are their kids would find you at the very least odd, if not down right loopy. Yes, I have to admit, I fall into the definitely odd but not quite loopy category. So that also means I do indeed buy the sweaters, shirts, coats and yes, the booties too for my little girl.
So then is it also strange for said doggie parent to then explain one pets reaction to another pet equal to that of siblings fighting?
These are questions that have been running through my head over the past few days, I think that at times I must be loosing it being out here on the lonely road with only the dogs to keep me company. I can't say for certain but I may just be imagining this behavior out of sheer boredom.
About two weeks ago "daddy" bought the kids a bone, not a small bone mind you but one of the big leg bones, a whopping 10 lb. leg bone, so other than Boo Bear no one can really pack this thing around, although we do live in a travel trailer so its not like there is many places for them to pack it around. As soon as "daddy" walked in the door with this thing Boo Bear was not so much begging, but definitely had the hurry up and give it to me, take the wrapping off I want it attitude. I have NEVER seen her behave in such a manner before. At first she was somewhat reluctant to share, Boo Bear and Lestat drug that thing back and forth, from bed to bed all night long, by morning my floor was a greasy mess, thankfully it is easily mopped away.
It was quickly apparent my normal non confrontational girl was out the window. She had set it in her mind that her "siblings" were not allowed to come near her and her new prized possession, let alone look in her direction. If they dared she had no problem telling them that this is hers. The first days she growled at every thought that maybe Lestat and Miranda might be looking in her direction, after a few day passed she lost a bit of interest in the bone, she no longer was sleeping with it but made sure that she was within striking distance if need be. Then the day came when she wanted "Mommy's" attention, everyone else was getting attention so would she. So there I was sitting on my couch brushing Miranda and Lestat, so Boo Bear had to as well, you know if one gets it they all must get it, now each were waiting for their own Mommy time and that's when it happened, Boo Bear was laying patiently at my feet and Lestat saw his chance, she had let her guard down, and he was going to take his chance, the bone was gonna be his, or so he thought. In a blink of an eye she was on top of that bone and I swear Lestat jumped clean out of his skin. She had in that second not only gotten the bone back but had managed to pin him in the kennel, well ok she sat on him in the kennel, then just as quickly stepped away from him and the bone, I think if her under her breath growls, could have been words she would have said, "back off that's mine, you can't have it, just 'cause I'm not chewing on it now does not mean you can." Lestat looked at mean as if to say but Mom that's not fair I want to chew on it too, I couldn't help but laugh at this outburst of raw doggie emotion.
If my dogs would have been kids it would have totally looked as if big sister ran over to where little brother was now playing with a toy, that while she was no longer playing with it did not mean he could.
It is now clear to me that, despite what I thought I knew about my "kids" I still know very little. My once passive Boo Bear has now found her voice and now uses it all the time. And my little boy Lestat has now learned that just because he is male does not mean he can boss the girls any longer. So I say bravo to my big girl for doing something I doubt I could have taught that stubborn little guy.
Some people, ok most people would agree that anyone who says their dogs are their kids would find you at the very least odd, if not down right loopy. Yes, I have to admit, I fall into the definitely odd but not quite loopy category. So that also means I do indeed buy the sweaters, shirts, coats and yes, the booties too for my little girl.
So then is it also strange for said doggie parent to then explain one pets reaction to another pet equal to that of siblings fighting?
These are questions that have been running through my head over the past few days, I think that at times I must be loosing it being out here on the lonely road with only the dogs to keep me company. I can't say for certain but I may just be imagining this behavior out of sheer boredom.
About two weeks ago "daddy" bought the kids a bone, not a small bone mind you but one of the big leg bones, a whopping 10 lb. leg bone, so other than Boo Bear no one can really pack this thing around, although we do live in a travel trailer so its not like there is many places for them to pack it around. As soon as "daddy" walked in the door with this thing Boo Bear was not so much begging, but definitely had the hurry up and give it to me, take the wrapping off I want it attitude. I have NEVER seen her behave in such a manner before. At first she was somewhat reluctant to share, Boo Bear and Lestat drug that thing back and forth, from bed to bed all night long, by morning my floor was a greasy mess, thankfully it is easily mopped away.
It was quickly apparent my normal non confrontational girl was out the window. She had set it in her mind that her "siblings" were not allowed to come near her and her new prized possession, let alone look in her direction. If they dared she had no problem telling them that this is hers. The first days she growled at every thought that maybe Lestat and Miranda might be looking in her direction, after a few day passed she lost a bit of interest in the bone, she no longer was sleeping with it but made sure that she was within striking distance if need be. Then the day came when she wanted "Mommy's" attention, everyone else was getting attention so would she. So there I was sitting on my couch brushing Miranda and Lestat, so Boo Bear had to as well, you know if one gets it they all must get it, now each were waiting for their own Mommy time and that's when it happened, Boo Bear was laying patiently at my feet and Lestat saw his chance, she had let her guard down, and he was going to take his chance, the bone was gonna be his, or so he thought. In a blink of an eye she was on top of that bone and I swear Lestat jumped clean out of his skin. She had in that second not only gotten the bone back but had managed to pin him in the kennel, well ok she sat on him in the kennel, then just as quickly stepped away from him and the bone, I think if her under her breath growls, could have been words she would have said, "back off that's mine, you can't have it, just 'cause I'm not chewing on it now does not mean you can." Lestat looked at mean as if to say but Mom that's not fair I want to chew on it too, I couldn't help but laugh at this outburst of raw doggie emotion.
If my dogs would have been kids it would have totally looked as if big sister ran over to where little brother was now playing with a toy, that while she was no longer playing with it did not mean he could.
It is now clear to me that, despite what I thought I knew about my "kids" I still know very little. My once passive Boo Bear has now found her voice and now uses it all the time. And my little boy Lestat has now learned that just because he is male does not mean he can boss the girls any longer. So I say bravo to my big girl for doing something I doubt I could have taught that stubborn little guy.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The "what's next"symdrome
Ever since we made the trek to good old Nevada, I keep asking myself what will happen now. Well here is, I thought we had finally made it through the worse of the winter weather. Yes, it is still winter here and most likely continue to see some kind of winter storm until late June, but that's not really what's next. What is, is we have been here one month and have completely ran out of propane and no where within 100 miles to fill the tanks. Three tanks in fact two 40-lb. tanks and a 100-lb. tank, this is a little dis-heartening considering when it is warmer we can go 3-4 months just on the big tank. To make things a little more interesting is that means no cooking, showers, dishes etc... until Friday. Well maybe some cooking as long as its done in the microwave. Oh, did I mention we are completely broke. Yep a whole 35 dollars to our name. So even if I wanted to drive the 100-plus miles to Elko Nevada, I can't. Thankfully I did have the peace if mind to pack the heater, so I won't be in an igloo at nights, i didn't however pack the range just for emergencies such as this.
I do have to be conscious of the fact that I am heating with electric heat, this morning I was with out power, apparently at some point after Monte had left for work the main breaker in the trailer flipped. Not a huge deal it just meant that my heater was working overtime. Note to self, make sure to clean the air intake filter once in a while. It was disgusting. Amazing when its clean it even heats better, what do you know. I'm a genius. NOT!
So for the next two days I am gonna be ruffing it, kinda. if you can call microwave meals and a washcloth shower ruffing it.
As it would seem nothing ever happens just by its self, so while I now have to "ruff" it, it almost got much worse. We had the problem when we arrived, the waste tanks freezing, we fixed that by getting a tarp and wrap part of the end of the trailer to trap some of the heat coming from the propane heater we got to thaw out the tanks. Like I said earlier we are completely out of propane, so heating them to get things moving again was out of the question, unless I wanted to spend my day under the trailer with my blow dryer, and that ain't happening. The low teen temperatures had given me reason to suspect that to be the case. But today, the temperatures once again reached sweltering heat of a whopping 42 degrees. Knowing that I went back to the drawing board, and came to the conclusion we had a plugged toilet. Its definitely not easier to plunge out the clog, mainly because a trailer toilet is well nothing more than a port-a-potty that can imitate a flush. I was hoping to finally use my toilet wand to clear the clog, but alas it didn't help any, so I had to get the broom handle, yes I know what your thinking and no I didn't use my broom, I have an extra handle for such an occasion. With my broomstick in hand and some poking and prodding the blockage washed away. Yeah another headache gone, I'll have to run the water more frequently so this sorta thing doesn't happen again.
Yes it may seem these little incidences are nothing more than a nuisance, but to be living in the moment with them it can feel like nothing good is happening, or than it will never end. You'd think by now after 4 years of trailer life nothing would seem to bother me and I just go with the flow, apparently I get "blocked up" to.
I do have to be conscious of the fact that I am heating with electric heat, this morning I was with out power, apparently at some point after Monte had left for work the main breaker in the trailer flipped. Not a huge deal it just meant that my heater was working overtime. Note to self, make sure to clean the air intake filter once in a while. It was disgusting. Amazing when its clean it even heats better, what do you know. I'm a genius. NOT!
So for the next two days I am gonna be ruffing it, kinda. if you can call microwave meals and a washcloth shower ruffing it.
As it would seem nothing ever happens just by its self, so while I now have to "ruff" it, it almost got much worse. We had the problem when we arrived, the waste tanks freezing, we fixed that by getting a tarp and wrap part of the end of the trailer to trap some of the heat coming from the propane heater we got to thaw out the tanks. Like I said earlier we are completely out of propane, so heating them to get things moving again was out of the question, unless I wanted to spend my day under the trailer with my blow dryer, and that ain't happening. The low teen temperatures had given me reason to suspect that to be the case. But today, the temperatures once again reached sweltering heat of a whopping 42 degrees. Knowing that I went back to the drawing board, and came to the conclusion we had a plugged toilet. Its definitely not easier to plunge out the clog, mainly because a trailer toilet is well nothing more than a port-a-potty that can imitate a flush. I was hoping to finally use my toilet wand to clear the clog, but alas it didn't help any, so I had to get the broom handle, yes I know what your thinking and no I didn't use my broom, I have an extra handle for such an occasion. With my broomstick in hand and some poking and prodding the blockage washed away. Yeah another headache gone, I'll have to run the water more frequently so this sorta thing doesn't happen again.
Yes it may seem these little incidences are nothing more than a nuisance, but to be living in the moment with them it can feel like nothing good is happening, or than it will never end. You'd think by now after 4 years of trailer life nothing would seem to bother me and I just go with the flow, apparently I get "blocked up" to.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Frustrations
While living in my trailer is quite boring, I do try to find things to occupy my time so the days don't feel like they are never ending. Lately I have been trying to do all the legwork for my grandmother, so that not only she but that family as well, have an up-to-date family tree and address book. I have spent many, many late nights trying to find those who are family and ask for their information, while I have had some success for the most part I have fallen short. I am not sure if it that they just don't feel like replying or they just think I'm some nut trying to get info on them. Either way my efforts are falling on deaf ears.
Not that I'm really complaining, well I guess I am, why must it be so difficult to do something so selfless and take care of the things that mean a great deal to those whom you care greatly for. She (my grandmother) has given of herself for almost 90 years to all who she would call family and friends. She has never asked or wanted help from anyone, maybe it was the era that she was raised, that the woman must take care of the family and household. But now, due to a recent stroke that has taken part of her and her spirit, how can I not want to give her something. She has for many years sent letters, cards well wishes to all she meets, I somehow feel that in some way I am keeping that alive for her even if I am the one doing it. It gives her pleasure knowing that this simple card giving, while to many is outdated thanks to the Internet, is in some small way letting each person that card so lovingly has been sent to, lets them know that yes, there is someone out there that thinks of me and wants me to know that I am loved.
I have been shouldering this burden for 5 months now, even though this is not what I wanted to do in the beginning I knew that it was for her that I was doing it not for me. Knowing that I boxed up my selfishness and chose to give a little of myself for something that is hers and continue sending those little reminders that you are still loved and not forgotten.
How I wish, that there were more out there in the world that gave a moment of the day to someone that just might need that reminder. I know that we are here in this world for better or worse to impact the people we meet and share our lives with.
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
Today is a gift
Those words are so true, how can we not take the time and share a moment of our time with those who are important.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Today is number 1
Well here it is, the very first blog. I will admit this is something that I thought would never be doing, sending out into the Internet stream, my thought, worries and all my crazy travel woes. And yet here I am doing it.
I hope that whomever decides that this is worthy of their time enjoys to read. You might find that some days there will be a long winded narrative of the days happenings and others will be a blip. Either way I'm sure you will enjoy.
This is just a side note, Spot as you would have it is not the names of any of my kids, but was my nickname in high school. Thanks in part to Walt Disney's "The Newsies", even today, 15 years later I'm still stuck with the name.
I hope that whomever decides that this is worthy of their time enjoys to read. You might find that some days there will be a long winded narrative of the days happenings and others will be a blip. Either way I'm sure you will enjoy.
This is just a side note, Spot as you would have it is not the names of any of my kids, but was my nickname in high school. Thanks in part to Walt Disney's "The Newsies", even today, 15 years later I'm still stuck with the name.
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