Sunday, January 29, 2012

Back to Normal

Here it is a new year and I have already had an epiphany. I have for at least the last few years traveled to many places but somehow always ending back here in Nevada, a state that I DO NOT like, I hate the desert, no trees, no water besides the few odd streams that here they call rivers and everywhere one looks sage brush. Some how even with me kicking and screaming Nevada has gotten under my skin, she feels like home. I would welcome any place other than here to call home but no it had to be Nevada.
We are barely into winter most days temperatures reaching the mid 20's, no snow and living in a tin can that hates cold itself. The constant ice removal from the door just to get to the outside world, not that I want to venture out, I wouldn't if I didn't have my "kids". I very much hate my tin can and yet never leave it.
Why must a place I hate be a place that feels right?
Maybe one day I can call a beautiful green meadow with a lake and trees home, but for now it mountain desert.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Sad Birthday

Here it is the eve of my 33rd birthday and I have made a heart breaking decision about my much loved boy, I had so wished it would not have been so soon nor on a day that is meant to celebrate life. I know it will be a day both happy and sad. As I sit here and stare into his watchful eyes I know it will be the last few hours, I can barely breath. Why must this be so hard?
I know we as pet owners tend to humanize the fur balls, as a woman who cannot have the two legged version I put everything I have into them. It feels as if I am giving up, but is it really fair to watch him slowly melt into a hallow shell of his former self. How can I for my own selfishness allow him to slowly die because I cannot bring myself to do the kind thing. I see him on his bad days pleading me to make it better and I know there is nothing that can be done but hold him and make him as comfortable as I can.
As much as I should take comfort in the knowledge that his pain will soon be over, I cannot. I hope that one day I can forgive myself.